Life with a Two-Year-Old

What happened to my sweet, precious baby boy? He turned two. That’s what happened.

I remember when my son started crawling.  My first thought:  “Oh, how I miss the days when he would just sit and play.”

In the blink of an eye, he started walking.  At that time I thought, “Man, he was so much easier to control when he just crawled.”

Then he turned 1.  That’s when I realized our lives would never be the same.  I told everyone – “He must be hitting his terrible twos early because he’s a wild child.”

But wait.  Then he turned 2.  Everyone has told me, “Just wait.  Three is so much worse.”  I don’t believe it.  It’s impossible.

Don’t get me wrong, my little boy can be SO sweet, charming and gentle…about 5% of the time.

See? He can be sweet, but don’t let that face fool you.

The other 95% of the time, I spend telling him to sit on his bottom when he’s on the couch…among these common phrases:

• “The couch is not a trampoline.”
• “Don’t hit people with your toys.”
• “Your little sister is not a baby doll you can drag around by the leg.”
• “Eat.  Your.  Food.”
• “No, stop.  Don’t play with your food.”
• “No, you cannot have a snack.  It doesn’t matter how cute of a face you make at me.”
• “We cannot go outside for the 10th time today.”
• “Don’t get out of bed again.  Go to sleep.”
• “If you get out of bed again, you’ll get a spanking.”
• “One, TWO…….Three!”
• And my latest favorite, “No, don’t say that.  That’s a bad, ugly word.”

Yeah, let’s talk about his latest phrases for a minute.

 Before you judge what I’m about to write, please remember his father is a soldier and works with other soldiers all day, everyday.  A very large majority of them use a terrible choice of words with almost every sentence they say.  That’s  a hard habit to separate from work and home.

In addition, I have a mouth like a soldier.  It hit me when I was about 18.  I think I’m making up for being scared enough of my parents to not use any swear words under their roof.  My mouth has only gotten worse marrying a soldier.

Enough with the excuses…

Something’s gotta change, though, because my son says the most obscene things lately.  Let’s get into just a few of them:

• “Oh, s***.”  This is what he says in response to things like, “You ate all the grapes,” or “No, you cannot watch another movie today.”
• “Oh, f*** it.”  I’m not quite sure where he picked this up because neither of us use that phrase, but somehow  my 2-year-old uses it perfectly.
• “Jesus Christ.”  While I don’t find this one extremely offensive, some may.  So I’m trying to make him stop.  Trying.  Failing.

In addition to making me use “No,” “Stop,” and counting more times than I’d like to in my entire life, my baby boy can throw some vicious tantrums.  I’m talking throw himself face first on the ground, screaming, crying until he chokes, swinging his arms and legs kinda tantrum.  I’m quick to blame daycare on that skill.  No, i’m not blaming the institution or the teachers.  I’m blaming the fact that kids will do what they see other kids do.

This is his common pre-tantrum pout. He’s cute and all, but I just don’t understand why he gets so distraught over me telling him he cannot come into the kitchen with a HOT stove.

Here’s my bit of advice ( Yes, advice from the parent whose son says things like “F*** it.”) on how to handle tantrums:  Walk away.  Ignore them entirely.  That may not work for every type of child, but it works for mine.  If he’s not getting the attention, he’ll stop.  He may not stop instantaneously, but he’ll eventually roll over off of his face and calmly lie there and suck his thumb.

With all of this, I’m a bit afraid to start potty training.  We’ve introduced the idea to him, and he gets it.  He knows why momma or daddy go into the bathroom.  He knows where “pee pee” and “poo poo” come from.  He’s also a 2-year-old BOY, though.

Just this morning he grabbed the front of his diaper and said, “Pee pee!”  I asked if he needed to go use the potty.  As soon as the words left my mouth, he sat his sippy cup on the floor, squatted over it and said, “No, I pee pee in milk.”

…Long pause…

How do you react to that?!

“No, baby, you cannot pee pee in your milk.  That’s yucky.”-Me

“Oh, s***.”-Boy

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